In my sophomore year, quarantine began and this was a new experience for everyone. When remote learning began It went well for the first couple of days. Until it really hit me after a couple of weeks. I wasn’t really a social person. I had a small friend group and we all really didn't have much classes together. I had a rough time focusing especially since cameras were not required so I would either lose focus or slack off so much. Procrastinating has been a thing I’ve dealt with for all of my school life. I also have a learning disability so that plus, being a procrastinator is not a good mix. My junior year was fully remote which meant full slacker mode. My teachers did not understand my needs for learning since I did not advocate for myself at all. This led to my downfall and resulted in me having to do more work to make up for the lost credits. One day I decided to just push myself and say something privately to one of my math teachers and she understood me and tried to help out. She tried to help me as best as she could, however, in the end, I still got summer school because she kinda gave up on me. But that's alright because I passed the summer class. When my senior year began everything felt different. Seeing classmates face to face again definitely felt bizarre after being on remote for so long. I struggled getting back into it since I was pretty much a couch potato during remote. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for support so I asked around the school and I was told to go to the mezzanine. When I entered I met my current friends and guidance counselor that has helped me pass highschool. Mrs. B helped me choose my colleges, set up my financial aid, and allowed me and my friends to chill in her office. She helped me when my grades were low and needed assistance with work. Overall she is just a great supportive person. She even helped me with my mental health and I greatly appreciate that. She is the reason my senior year went by with an easy breeze and I'm just so thankful I had her. In the next coming weeks I start college and I’d say I'm well prepared for it.
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In December of 2020, I was diagnosed with depression. Hearing this from my doctor felt like my world was falling apart. It felt like someone took a boulder and dropped it on my chest. This was the worst thing that I have ever been told. I knew that depression was a real thing that “other” people suffered from but not me…I can’t be part of that group.
Being a quiet, somewhat introverted person, I never suffered from depression or anxiety until the Covid pandemic & remote learning. Switching to remote learning halfway through eleventh grade was the start of my depression. To make matters worse was not being able to see my friends or teachers. It was hard my junior year, in remote learning not being able to meet new friends & teachers in person. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of the “new normal”. My classes under this new structure were harder & longer. I started to have no desire for my classes….I didn’t know what my teachers looked like as I kept my camera mostly off. What was “normal” included raising my hands to participate in the classroom to now raising my hands with an emoji. This combined with the social isolation of quarantine, created anxiety at the start of the school year. By the end of September, I wasn’t motivated when it came to completing my school assignments. While sitting at my desk, with my computer open, trying to complete my AP Government assignment, I began to ask myself “what am I really doing? Why am I sitting here feeling frustrated? Would it be easiest to just give up”? At this point, I was not thinking about my future, I was only thinking about how long I had been on the same assignment. In October my school wanted us to start the college process, finishing up our college letters and starting to apply to colleges but my head was not in the right space to do that. At this point, I realized that I needed help & with that, I told my mom how I was feeling, something felt off & that I needed someone to talk to about how I was feeling. I tried to ignore it, but the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right followed me for months with no improvement. During my annual physical in December, I told the doctor how I was feeling; she told me that I had a slight case of depression and anxiety due to being in isolation for so long. She told my mom of her findings. I started seeing a therapist every Tuesday. At first, seeing the therapist was awkward; I was shy, and being on zoom made it even more difficult. For the first few meetings, I was shaking, squeezing my nails into my hands, and twisting my fingers. It felt good to have someone to talk to after months of only talking to myself. I learned positive affirmation, how to calm myself down before tests, and how it was okay to take a break from work & take deep breaths. I refocused my mind to think positively by writing down something that I am grateful for daily. After the first few secessions, I was starting to feel a lot better and started to get on priorities of college. I began to cope with my depression realizing it didn’t define me as a person. I became my own cheerleader when I felt like giving up no longer panicking with class presentations, exams, or stressing about my grades. By the end of eleventh grade and my senior year, my average was in the 90s. Thankfully, I have found my way around depression. I know that in life I’m going to have to overcome obstacles but having the right support system in place (family, doctor & psychologist) helps in the process. I see a future filled with love, hope, joy, peace & success. My hope is that others suffering from depression can admit, get help & have a future filled with love, hope, joy, peace & success. I don't really know how to describe who I was in middle school. It's been so long since I first walked into the tacky offwhite building that I haven't really had a proper time for reflection. Despite this I can remember one blatantly obvious part about myself: I was a massive pushover. I didn't really know how to ask for help and relied on others to simply notice what was wrong. This obviously didn't work and most of the time I would be struggling by myself. I have a learning disability and Sensory Processing Disorder, and without the proper accommodations provided, my middle school experience was atrocious. By the time I had reached high school I was tired of not receiving the help I deserved. I realized that if no one was going to stand up for me, I must do it myself. It was challenging to start advocating for myself, but after years of mistreatment I knew what I had to do.
It's almost as if a switch flipped and I was a new person. I started making sure my needs were being met and I held those in charge accountable for it. One of the biggest instances for this is when my gym accommodations were not given to me. Due to my sensory issues I can't wear pants, sneakers, or any gym clothes. The school refused to acknowledge this and after a lengthy process of doctors notes and emails, the school finally allowed me to do an academically based gym where I would write about fitness. My biggest helper in this scenario was my guidance counselor, who was the first adult who truly cared about my needs. It was nice to finally be able to rely on someone and she helped me become the person I am today. I would like to believe that I am a very passionate, driven, and loyal individual. I enjoy helping others and I've always wanted to become someone kids like me could use as a support system. With the help of my guidance counselor I decided that I want to be a special education teacher. Now knowing my career path I chose to either teach younger students or high schoolers like myself. I'm currently interested in the majors Child Care Services Management, Child Development, Teacher Education (General), or Counseling & Student Services. When I was in middle school I was always being watched. There were always familiar faces that either babied me or didn’t treat me equally. The people that babied me made me feel not confident in my abilities and self. There was an overwhelming amount of people who didn’t want to know me because I had a learning disability. Weekly I would go to a Nest class to learn basic things I already knew, it made me feel small. There were a select group of people that did help me transition from middle school to high school, including my art teacher. Her name is Mrs.Elman and she treated me with respect. There was also my counselor. She would help me advocate for me when I couldn’t. Both of them helped me socially and emotionally to transition to high school. My older sibling at the time was in their first year of high school. They would sometimes talk about school and some classes. In one of those classes I took interest. That class is called OneGoal. One goal is a preparation class to help divide the degree divide in the states. I found this program very interesting and to help achieve my goals in life. Soon I found out it was a program not in many schools. Unfortunately my mother didn’t want to put me into the school because it lacked any Nest classes. This worried my mother a lot. I was hurt but I learned a bit about self advocacy from my counselor. I told my mother how not letting me try made no sense to me. I told her how these classes made me feel. At first she didn’t understand. The process was hard and tedious. I needed to help my mother to understand my feelings. I continued to try to explain to her about how I felt about my situation. One day we made a deal. I would be enrolled into the school in exchange I would have to get a para. I agreed. My Para didn’t let me branch out and make many friends. I feel isolated and alone. My high school experience was unfortunately cut short due to Covid. During my time online I learned even more about self advocacy and self esteem care. During my junior year after much debate with my mother, we decided to get rid of the para. I was majorly alone for the first time in high school. Now I’m about to be a senior in high school. |
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